Post by Michael on Feb 26, 2021 1:45:46 GMT -5
30
synchroncity
IN A PAINTED WORLD
Am I okay?
Is the plastered smile fooling you? Is it deceiving me? I don't know. Some days I feel like it does, but other days, most days, it still feels the same.
Am I really going anywhere, or am I static? Standing stationary as life keeps passing me by. I dunno; I just know that I look around, I look inside myself, and I want more. I crave more, I need more, I can do more, and I'm not.
The creative in me is at war with the pessimist, and it's holding me back. I'm scared, scared of everything. I'm terrified of my life - of people and love. The thought of getting hurt paralyzes me. And I don't know what to do with that. I'm tired of it. Fed up with lying, tired of forcing it, tired of disappointing myself. I'm stuck. Passively active in a life I hate with people I don't like.
Am I worth more than this?
Is this just me?
Why?
Why did I have to be weak?
I hate it, and I hate me. I hate missing you.
I hate wanting someone cold and hurtful but beautiful and sweet. You were this....thing. A tornado. A beautiful, tragic storm that blew through my life and left it a mess. I don't know what's worst. That I sat back and let it happen or that I'd go back to it. I enjoyed whatever you were and the chaos you brought. Because at least it was something, it was something better than what I had.
You were this perfect thing at the right moment. But the stuff you did put a hole inside me. An empty chasm straight into the depths of my soul. One that I couldn't help but look into. What stared back at me in that moment of self-reflection was a disappointment.
My soul's made of nothing but regret and wasted potential.
Has it always been like that, or did you make it that way? I wish that I knew.
I wish the answers came as easy as the questions. That I had the strength to even start finding them.
I wish you were still here for me to share this with. That you hadn't left me alone. That you still cared enough to hold me when it was like this. When I was like this. It doesn't feel like I have anyone now.
Not even myself.
Is the plastered smile fooling you? Is it deceiving me? I don't know. Some days I feel like it does, but other days, most days, it still feels the same.
Am I really going anywhere, or am I static? Standing stationary as life keeps passing me by. I dunno; I just know that I look around, I look inside myself, and I want more. I crave more, I need more, I can do more, and I'm not.
The creative in me is at war with the pessimist, and it's holding me back. I'm scared, scared of everything. I'm terrified of my life - of people and love. The thought of getting hurt paralyzes me. And I don't know what to do with that. I'm tired of it. Fed up with lying, tired of forcing it, tired of disappointing myself. I'm stuck. Passively active in a life I hate with people I don't like.
Am I worth more than this?
Is this just me?
Why?
Why did I have to be weak?
I hate it, and I hate me. I hate missing you.
I hate wanting someone cold and hurtful but beautiful and sweet. You were this....thing. A tornado. A beautiful, tragic storm that blew through my life and left it a mess. I don't know what's worst. That I sat back and let it happen or that I'd go back to it. I enjoyed whatever you were and the chaos you brought. Because at least it was something, it was something better than what I had.
You were this perfect thing at the right moment. But the stuff you did put a hole inside me. An empty chasm straight into the depths of my soul. One that I couldn't help but look into. What stared back at me in that moment of self-reflection was a disappointment.
My soul's made of nothing but regret and wasted potential.
Has it always been like that, or did you make it that way? I wish that I knew.
I wish the answers came as easy as the questions. That I had the strength to even start finding them.
I wish you were still here for me to share this with. That you hadn't left me alone. That you still cared enough to hold me when it was like this. When I was like this. It doesn't feel like I have anyone now.
Not even myself.
@noone